Archive

Hey there, so glad you popped by! I've moved to a new address, however, and you can find my new blog at: The Weaver's Apprentice as of Monday, January 26, 2015. I hope you'll come visit me there! See you soon! XOXO

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Rainy Wednesday Worries... And rants & rambles...

I am stressed. Britt's stressed. This does not make for a very pleasant home life right now. I'm also on my period, during which my ability to keep my inner BITCH in check goes mostly out the window. Due to stress, we're both short & snappy with each other. Neither of us have been eating or sleeping well, today is the first day in almost two weeks that I've done any housework. Britt's picked up a shit load of extra shifts, because it seems that no matter what we do, there is just never enough money to cover all the bills plus groceries & gas. I'm frustrated & stressed & tired. I'm also depressed & ran out of meds two weeks ago, but didn't have money to refill my RX. Britt was out of meds, but told me she wasn't, so hers didn't get filled either (so pissed). This is a bigger issue, as she gets really moody (understatement...) when she's not on them.

I'm trying to chill the fuck out. It's not working terribly well so far. Macha is snuggled by me, which makes me feel somewhat better & I found the pictures of Kyo I thought I'd lost, so at least I'll have those to gaze at while I miss him & mourn him again tomorrow. Not to mention that I still feel like it's my fault he died. I know it's not my fault. I didn't give him bone cancer. But I still feel like if I'd done more, been a better person, taken him to the vet sooner, etc., he'd still be here. It's stupid & totally irrational, but I can't help it. I still blame myself.

I've been sleeping like shit lately, having weird nightmares that really disturb me. I'm used to weird or 'scary' dreams (like being chased by zombies...). Those don't bother me. However, I'm not used to being scared of un-named, invisible things that are chasing me. Usually in my dreams, if it's bad & it's chasing me, I stop running, turn around & kill it. All better, problem solved. But not lately.

I was having a nightmare that something horrible was happening to my cats, I don't know exactly what, and thankfully Macha came & yowled at the bedroom door & woke me up. Thank Goddess for my occasionally psychic cat, who is still laying across my arms as I type this. ^-^

I don't know how to chill, how to de-stress, how to get my shit together. I'm working on it, I've made lists of bills, things to do, aspects of myself to work on, etc.

I'm also terrified because I'm gonna have to step up & be a good hausfrau whilst Britt is in school. She'll be in class 8 hrs a day & still work 5 out of every 14 days. She's going to be fried. I need to step in & take over her parts of housework & dinner making. I want to make sure she gets to class on time, has lunch with her, has dinner waiting when she gets home, etc. I want to do EVERYTHING I possibly can to help her succeed. I'm terrified that I won't be able to live up to MY expectations... sigh.

I'm also looking into getting a second job, just in case she can't work & do nursing school at the same time. I don't want her to struggle any more than she has to. Nursing school's a bitch, even without having to work. And we need a new bed... The futon is just not cutting it anymore... I know it's a big part of why we're both getting such poor sleep. But beds are hella expensive...

I'm a giant ball of stress, and when I get stressed, I feel the need to be self destructive. This, obviously, probably doesn't really help, although it makes me feel better at the moment. Ack.

Lists make me feel somewhat better & more organized. So I'm going to make a list of all the SHIT that I need to do, will need to do & how the fuck I plan on doing it. I think that at least will help me feel a bit more calm.

I'm also going to grab some Smirnoff outta the fridge... ^_~

And getting all this psycho shit out of my head makes me feel better too. And I think I'm going to paint some today... I feel like I'm drowning & can't seem to get my head up high enough for air. I'm hoping making lists will help. I think it will.

Maybe I'll add some of my crazy to my autobiography that I have to write for English class... I fucking HATE telling my class mates about myself. Rawr.

Ok... deep, cleansing breaths.

Or not.

And the cherry on my cake of discord & general pissed off-ed-ness is that my awesome bloggy buddy, Danni, is having eye troubles. This irks me, to say the least, 'cause she's freaking wonderful & I totally <3 her. I just don't think that wonderful, awesome people should have to suffer. There are plenty of assholes out there... Gah.

Point of mentioning this, however, is that this amazing, wonderful woman can use some encouragement & lots of hugs at the moment. So go over to The Whimsical Cottage, give that awesome Witchy woman a hug & send her some positive thoughts! =D

Thinking good things about other people makes me feel much better... ^-^

So if you're still here, (uber kudos if you are), I'm thinking good thoughts about you & hoping you're having a lovely Wednesday. I'm going to work today on finding some Zen (hey, I know it's somewhere... probably under my bed... o_O).

So in ending this rant, I want to say I love you all & am sending love & light your way. And in doing so, I already feel much more calm & much better in general. ^-^ It's funny... this is a perfect example of what I send out returning to me. ^-^

So. Happy mid-week my darlings & I'm hoping to have a Kyo post to share with you either tonight or tomorrow! I can't wait to introduce you to my giant, fluffy, orange sweety! =D

XOXOXOXO

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Spring has Sprung!

And I am so happy, I could pop. ^-^

The sun is out today & I'm sitting on my porch having just finished my first cup of coffee. Macha was out here with me, but is now back inside. She'll be at the door in about 2 minutes demanding to be let out again... o_O

Planting time is almost here! Happily, it will coincide almost perfectly with when I get paid again... YAY!

So that's one of the reasons I'm sitting out here... I'm planning what to plant this year! =D

Danni over at The Whimsical Cottage was planting sunflowers last I heard, but my porch unfortunately is facing North... not so great when it comes to getting sunshine for one's plants... ah well... I'm looking into good stuff to plant that likes the shade to partial shade. And I'm just so happy to have Spring here, I don't have room to be annoyed at the direction my porch faces. ^-^

Going to the Community Garden meeting tomorrow evening & feeling like an weenie for forgetting to email them my contact info two weeks ago... >_< Early onset Alzheimer's? Nope... just regular little 'ol forgetful me... le sigh... I have emailed them now, so better late than never, yes? I hope so. And pretty shortly I'll be off to go hang up fliers around town about the garden. ^-^

Along with plants for my porch, I'm keeping my eyes peeled for a small table with two chairs. I want to be able to sit outside & have some place to put my coffee cup... ^-^

Well then... Back to planning my porch garden! ^-^

Oh yes, and I hope all y'all had a most wonderful Ostara!

XOXO

Saturday, March 19, 2011

It's been what, 11 days since I was last here? It feels like months...
School's just about done for the quarter, with only two more classes (read: two more finals...) to go. I'm thrilled, 'cause I need a break.

Britt's dog (and mine by getting with her almost 8 years ago) died on the 11th. She lived with Britt's parents, as they have a nice yard & a house, and we have a slightly less than 500 sq. ft. apartment. Britt rescued Maxxie when she was a puppy from an abusive home. She picked up the puppy, took it home & her parents fell in love & let her keep her. ^-^

Maxxie was 15 yrs old, and had lived a long, happy & terribly spoiled life. She died of some kind of cancer though, which filled her body with grapefruit sized tumors. It was horrible to see her weak. The day before the day before she died, we went up to the house & stayed with her that day. I carried her up & down the stairs so she could go to the bathroom outside. She could hardly walk. My heart broke into a million sharp, awful pieces.

On the 11th, we went up to spend the day with her again. She hadn't moved in over 24 hrs according to Britt's mom, but lifted her head & wagged her tail when she saw Britt. They had one of the amazingly special bonds... ^-^

We helped her drink some water & rolled her over to her other side so she wouldn't get pressure sores. She seemed much more comfortable on that side, so that was a small happiness.

We left the house at about 1400, as Britt has to work at 1900 and hadn't slept yet. We'd headed up to the house as soon as we'd gotten off work at 0730.

Maxxie died at 1910 that evening, and I drove back to the hospital where we work to tell Britt. We'd both known it was coming, and she died comfortably snuggled in her bed, so that was a small blessing. She went to sleep & dreamed herself through the door to other paths.

I offered to go bury her that night, but Britt's mom said that they were going to wait until morning.

The next morning I went back up to the house & helped Britt's dad bury Maxxie. Britt stayed home, as she didn't want to remember her dog as anything but the living ball of furry love that she was. I totally understood. I, on the other hand, feel a need to care for the dead & dying. This is one reason I am going to become a Death Midwife & a hospice nurse. I feel called to care for the dying & then the body after they've left, as well as the families & friends who grieve.

It was good closure for me to bury her after wrapping her in her blanket. But it also ripped open the scars from when my cat, Kyo, died in 2008, followed four days later by Aunty Mel. Both from cancer. Both nearly undid me. Both still feel raw & heartbreaking. I still cry over my cat. He was a piece of my soul that died.

So now that I'm in tears, I'm done for now. I had hoped to post something a bit more zen, but that will have to wait for later. To everyone who has lost anyone to anything, especially cancer, I'm sending you love & hugs.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

The Simple Woman's Daybook

For Tuesday, March 8th, 2011

Outside my window... The sky is grey, but dry for the moment. I see the lingering raindrops on the empty metal baskets on my porch railings. Everything looks quiet, grey & green...

I am thinking... That I often forget how much I love & need my solitude. How different I am now from the child I was raised as. How much the same my parents are. How I wish they lived closer, yet am thankful that I was given the opportunity to find myself & my path by them moving away seven years ago.

I am thankful for... Women. Today is International Women's Day & the 100th anniversary at that. I am thankful for all the wonderful, strong, powerful women I know both in person & online. You all inspire me.

From the kitchen... Is silence. The heater just turned off, the coffee pot quietly keeps my liquid life-force warm & all is still.

I am wearing... my orange Halloween PJ pants with the black cats & pumpkins on them & my second favorite plaid flannel shirt. One I stole from my dad in high school... ^-^

I am creating... a surprise for a friend. It's almost finished...

I am going... a little nuts. I just got over a cold (possibly the flu...) & am sick again. I've never been sick so much as I have this Winter. Half of me just wants to hide in bed while the other half wants to run around & do stuff. I'm making my sides compromise by not going back to bed, but staying home & studying. Benefits all around...

I am reading... the Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter series. Aaaaaaand I love it! Funniest shit I've read in a while. And she writes good sexual tension/sex scenes. She also writes about topics that most fiction writers won't touch with a 10 foot pole, yet she does it in a way that's not sensational. I love these books. Edward/Ted Forrester is my favorite character... =D

I am hoping... That all the people I know who are searching for jobs are able to find good jobs soon! Y'all know who you are, and you're all in my thoughts! ^-^

I am hearing... The train whistle as it comes through town. The clock on the wall ticking away the moments. The buzzing that the lights make when they're on. My neighbors thumping & thudding around on the other side of the wall. Traffic driving up & down the street.

Around the house... The kitties are asleep & I'm the only one home. Britt's visiting her sister & nephew, my dad is out at a coffee shop & I'm blessedly home alone.

One of my favorite things... is blogging. I never thought when I began that I would love this so much. Not only do I have my own little corner of the aether to ramble in, I have met so many awesome people through blogging, that my life is much richer, much fuller than it was before.

A few plans for the rest of the week: I have a lab report & an exam in Microbiology tomorrow morning. I have a research paper & an exam in A & P II Thursday afternoon. Also on Wednesday, I take my dad to the airport to head home right after class that morning. I have a meeting that evening for the community garden & then I start my seven day work stretch that night. At least I can sleep when I'm dead, right? o_O

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

One of my all time favorite anime, Mobile Suit Gundam Wing was my obsession for the last two years of high school. My friends & I even cosplayed the characters at our first anime convention. I am a shameless fan girl & love to read good fan fiction. ^-^
I printed out pics & plastered them to the walls ceiling of my bedroom in high school as well. Apparently I'm feeling nostalgic today, so I think I'm going to go re-read some of my favorite fics now... ^-^

Come join The Simple Woman's Daybook! Clickety the link below:

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

Monday, March 07, 2011

Mini post...

We had an awesome day in Seattle yesterday! The sun was out & even though it was chilly, it was gorgeous! We ate lunch at Piroshky Piroshky, bought flavored honey sticks & fruit logs, and I got a nice, big bag of my favorite tea, Earl Grey Creme. Yum... We walked all over Pike's Place Market & then walked the seven-ish blocks to Pioneer Square for the Seattle Underground tour. I did indeed get some pictures, so I'll post them a bit later.

I've managed to get yet another cold... I've got so much mucous, I practically leave a slime trail wherever I go... TMI? Ah well...

I can't believe it's already Monday!!! Where did my weekend go??? o_O

Anywho... Lhu is insisting I quite typing so I can pet him, so I'll be back later to post my pictures.

XOXO

Sunday, March 06, 2011

It's been a wonderful, busy weekend!

We drove to Seattle to pick up my dad from the airport on Friday night.

Then yesterday evening, my dad, Britt, Scott, Heather & I all went bowling & out for dinner. We bowled two games & had a blast. For dinner we went to my favorite place, Bayou on Bay. It's an awesome Cajun restaurant. ^-^

Despite my requests not to, Scott & Heather also got me birthday presents... I got an awesome zombie poster, a wallet with built in brass knuckles (no, not real ones, but it's the thought that counts... XD) & a crossbow that's supposed to fire suction cup tipped darts. My dad and I found that it fires many other things as well...

The best part of my present, however, were two pieces of paper printed from Scott's printer... What did these two pieces of paper contain???

RAMMSTEIN TICKETS!!!

My favourite German band is coming to tour the US!!! After not touring here since 1998! And Combichrist is opening for them! I could just shit bunnies & die, I'm so excited.

We're off to Seattle now, so as long as I find my camera, there will be pictures! ^-^

XOXO

Friday, March 04, 2011

Procrastinating... who, me? o_O

Good morning! Got a good chunk of the cleaning done last night, so now all I gotta do is organize all the shit Britt wants organized before my dad gets here tonight... @_@

Since I'm out of soda, I'm drinking blueberry lemonade from Smirnoff... tasty shit, this... And poking at my blog as a way of procrastinating... I made Britt go take a nap, as she was dead on her feet from working evening shift today. They filled just about every available bed in the whole damn hospital... I'm so glad I'm not working Staffing this weekend. Yeesh...

I've almost finished the project I'm currently working on, and will have it done tonight so I can send it out tomorrow. I'm terribly excited... XD

I'm all outta gas, so I won't be going to the beach tonight... I was rather looking forward to going to the water this Dark Moon, but I'll go to my porch with a bowl of water instead. Not that anything around here really needs more water, after all the rain, but it's the thought that counts.

I've got an insanely busy day/night tomorrow... I need to make a To Do list, so I don't forget anything important.

Well then... I'm outta here for now, but when I feel like procrastinating again, I'm sure I'll be back. Or perhaps by that time I'll have something specifically to post about... ^_~

Hope everyone's having a marvelous night! ^-^

XOXO

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Community Garden & The Church

I went to my first meeting this evening for the community garden that a local Lutheran church is planning. I'm terribly excited, as I've been wanting something like this for a while, but didn't know how to start/where to start. Now it's started, with people who have land, resources, etc. & I'm super stoked! It's still in the planning phase, but they're moving quickly so we can plant this Spring. ^-^ I'm hoping I'll be able to get a plot, as I'm very limited on what I can grow on my porch (it faces North & doesn't get much sun...) but would love to grow more veggies.

After the meeting, which went wonderfully, we had dinner with some of the other church members who were there for choir practice, etc.

I suppose I should back up & say that one of my best friend's (Lauren's) family belong to this church, and that's how I was notified about the garden.

So I ate dinner, which was tasty, with Joe, Renee & Katie, Lauren's parents & sister, and then Renee asked me if I was going to stay for the service.

Service? o_O

Apparently they have a 15 minute song & prayer service every Wednesday. I can only imagine my deer-in-the-headlights look...





Renee said she'd really love it if I stayed, so I stammered something & she told me to go sit with Jessie (who is super nice & friendly), but who I don't really know at all. I was going to stay, just to be nice & make Renee happy (she's like a second mom to me...), but once I walked into the sanctuary, my chest got so tight I was having trouble breathing. So I gave her & Joe hugs & told them I had to be getting home.

I would dearly love to know why the prospect of sitting through a church service (even a short one) gives me an anxiety attack. I feel utterly ridiculous. I grew up going to church every Sunday, from infancy through high school. But I feel such an aversion to being a part of a service, that it's something I feel physically. And I feel terribly silly because of it. >_<

So here I sit, still feeling like I'm going to toss my cookies, waiting for my coffee to warm up so I can cuddle with a nice, big mug & chill the fuck out.

It's times like this I think I might need therapy for issues from spending my childhood as a Christian, amongst other things pertaining to Christianity that give me anxiety or panic attacks... And I feel utterly foolish.

Especially because these are some of the nicest people I know. At least I know it's not them, but rather the institution of The Church that I have the issue with. Whatever my issues, I still feel like a ninny. But off to my coffee & perhaps to go snuggle Britt before she heads off to work for the night & I do homework & clean.

Here's hoping y'all are having a wonderful Wednesday! ^-^

XOXO