I am stressed. Britt's stressed. This does not make for a very pleasant home life right now. I'm also on my period, during which my ability to keep my inner BITCH in check goes mostly out the window. Due to stress, we're both short & snappy with each other. Neither of us have been eating or sleeping well, today is the first day in almost two weeks that I've done any housework. Britt's picked up a shit load of extra shifts, because it seems that no matter what we do, there is just never enough money to cover all the bills plus groceries & gas. I'm frustrated & stressed & tired. I'm also depressed & ran out of meds two weeks ago, but didn't have money to refill my RX. Britt was out of meds, but told me she wasn't, so hers didn't get filled either (so pissed). This is a bigger issue, as she gets really moody (understatement...) when she's not on them.
I'm trying to chill the fuck out. It's not working terribly well so far. Macha is snuggled by me, which makes me feel somewhat better & I found the pictures of Kyo I thought I'd lost, so at least I'll have those to gaze at while I miss him & mourn him again tomorrow. Not to mention that I still feel like it's my fault he died. I know it's not my fault. I didn't give him bone cancer. But I still feel like if I'd done more, been a better person, taken him to the vet sooner, etc., he'd still be here. It's stupid & totally irrational, but I can't help it. I still blame myself.
I've been sleeping like shit lately, having weird nightmares that really disturb me. I'm used to weird or 'scary' dreams (like being chased by zombies...). Those don't bother me. However, I'm not used to being scared of un-named, invisible things that are chasing me. Usually in my dreams, if it's bad & it's chasing me, I stop running, turn around & kill it. All better, problem solved. But not lately.
I was having a nightmare that something horrible was happening to my cats, I don't know exactly what, and thankfully Macha came & yowled at the bedroom door & woke me up. Thank Goddess for my occasionally psychic cat, who is still laying across my arms as I type this. ^-^
I don't know how to chill, how to de-stress, how to get my shit together. I'm working on it, I've made lists of bills, things to do, aspects of myself to work on, etc.
I'm also terrified because I'm gonna have to step up & be a good hausfrau whilst Britt is in school. She'll be in class 8 hrs a day & still work 5 out of every 14 days. She's going to be fried. I need to step in & take over her parts of housework & dinner making. I want to make sure she gets to class on time, has lunch with her, has dinner waiting when she gets home, etc. I want to do EVERYTHING I possibly can to help her succeed. I'm terrified that I won't be able to live up to MY expectations... sigh.
I'm also looking into getting a second job, just in case she can't work & do nursing school at the same time. I don't want her to struggle any more than she has to. Nursing school's a bitch, even without having to work. And we need a new bed... The futon is just not cutting it anymore... I know it's a big part of why we're both getting such poor sleep. But beds are hella expensive...
I'm a giant ball of stress, and when I get stressed, I feel the need to be self destructive. This, obviously, probably doesn't really help, although it makes me feel better at the moment. Ack.
Lists make me feel somewhat better & more organized. So I'm going to make a list of all the SHIT that I need to do, will need to do & how the fuck I plan on doing it. I think that at least will help me feel a bit more calm.
I'm also going to grab some Smirnoff outta the fridge... ^_~
And getting all this psycho shit out of my head makes me feel better too. And I think I'm going to paint some today... I feel like I'm drowning & can't seem to get my head up high enough for air. I'm hoping making lists will help. I think it will.
Maybe I'll add some of my crazy to my autobiography that I have to write for English class... I fucking HATE telling my class mates about myself. Rawr.
Ok... deep, cleansing breaths.
And the cherry on my cake of discord & general pissed off-ed-ness is that my awesome bloggy buddy, Danni, is having eye troubles. This irks me, to say the least, 'cause she's freaking wonderful & I totally <3 her. I just don't think that wonderful, awesome people should have to suffer. There are plenty of assholes out there... Gah.
Point of mentioning this, however, is that this amazing, wonderful woman can use some encouragement & lots of hugs at the moment. So go over to The Whimsical Cottage, give that awesome Witchy woman a hug & send her some positive thoughts! =D
Thinking good things about other people makes me feel much better... ^-^
So if you're still here, (uber kudos if you are), I'm thinking good thoughts about you & hoping you're having a lovely Wednesday. I'm going to work today on finding some Zen (hey, I know it's somewhere... probably under my bed... o_O).
So in ending this rant, I want to say I love you all & am sending love & light your way. And in doing so, I already feel much more calm & much better in general. ^-^ It's funny... this is a perfect example of what I send out returning to me. ^-^
So. Happy mid-week my darlings & I'm hoping to have a Kyo post to share with you either tonight or tomorrow! I can't wait to introduce you to my giant, fluffy, orange sweety! =D