Feeling kinda down this morning... Feeling like I want to go hide in bed. It's my last day off before I start my seven on, however, so I don't really want to go hide.
I feel so tired sometimes. I feel so alone, like it's just me & Britt against the world. I know this isn't true. There are many, many wonderful people out there that brighten up my life. All y'all are most of them! And I love you for it. I truly do.
But in my physical, everyday life, I am lacking community. Community... the word I keep coming back to. The idea that I can't seem to find in real existence. I know it's out there, somewhere, but I haven't found it yet. It's what I want.
I want friends who love me & accept me, all of me, for who I am. I want people who are different from me to celebrate with me our diversity & love one another regardless. I want to be fully loved & accepted. Every last bit. Not just the parts people pick & choose.
I have friends & acquaintances who, unknowingly & unintentionally ostracize parts of me (and Britt too) by their judgments. By their ignorance. By their unwillingness to accept people with different values from their own.
I freely admit it. I am a ridiculously judgmental person. But, and yes there is a 'but', I am aware of this less than great aspect of myself & try to keep it in check. This is difficult, but rewarding.
First impressions can mean acceptance or rejection, and I can be a difficult person to accept. I'm pierced & tattooed. I'm a Pagan, who was raised in a Protestant Christian home. I'm a pastor's kid. I swear like a sailor. I identify currently as a lesbian, but my definition is probably different from someone else's. I've been with Britt for seven years & there's no end in sight. We're both polyamorous, and open to either gender. And this, my darlings, seems to be a sticking point with a number of people. Not because they're trying to be cruel, but because they just don't understand.
And I'm finding that when people don't understand, when they can't even almost imagine themselves in my shoes, that's when the claws come out, the snide comments begin & I am forced to either retreat further into myself or lay a verbal smack down. Neither of which I am keen to do.
Even in communities where I've expected acceptance, I have more often than not experienced rejection.
I am always finding that I'm just not quite the 'right kind of' whatever, whether it be Pagan, lesbian, woman, student, employee... whatever. I never fit quite right.
I've never fit quite right anywhere, my whole life. I didn't have any friends until my junior year in high school. I fully believed I was cut out for a life alone. I had come to terms that I was going to be a spinster & a crazy cat lady when I was old. I expected it.
Fortunately, I found someone who's just as strange & out of place as I am. And we fit together perfectly. Seamlessly. Sometimes, most of the time, I can't tell where I end & Britt begins. We are a community.
And we're both so thankful to have one another, but alas, we're not completely content. We want a community of many people, all of which will bring their own particular gifts, talents & personalities to share.
People often mistake my desire for community as a desire to surround myself with people just like me... I would rather hurl myself into the sea, than be surrounded by people just like me... ^-^
I want a place where everyone is valued for who they uniquely are. Where even if you & I don't see eye to eye on things, we respect the other's right to be happy & support them in that endeavor.
This is what I dream about. And perhaps that's why I want to go hide in my bed... Because sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can see that place. If it exists, I want to go there. If it doesn't, I want to create a space like that. This is my dream.