I'm feeling drained... And terribly frustrated. And powerless. And angry. Really. Fucking. Angry.
On top of this, I am now certain that my camera is toast... le sigh... -_- #
Back to my frustration... I've been reading a book by Starhawk, one of my all time fav authours. Dreaming the Dark: Magic, Sex & Politics. I'm about half way through, and I'm really liking this book. If you haven't read it, go out, buy a copy, borrow a copy from someone, whatever & read it. Please.
Again, back to the frustration... Over the past year at my job, amoung other areas of my life, I've been forced to come to terms again & again with the apparent fact that just becuase we're necessary, doesn't mean we're important.
This has made it even more difficult for me to like my rather dislikeable job, and not flat out hate it.
This is making me angry, as I see it all over the hospital. Power-over... People treating other people as if they don't matter based on what job they do.
In order for our hospital to run well, every single person employed here is both necessary and important. That is why our very jobs exhist.
I see this every day, everywhere I look. And I don't know how to change anything but myself. I know that I can't change anyone but myself.
In all honesty, however, I am scared to lose my job. I have a good job for going to school that pays ok & has benifits. I'm terrified of losing this. I almost lost it the last time I stood up & said that I refused to be walked all over, when I insisted that I too mattered. That I was important...
I'm at a loss here. I don't know how to change things, because those in power do not want things changed. It would mean less money, less power for the few. And that terrifies those with said money & power.
I'm kind of rambling here, because I don't have all the thoughts sorted out in my head yet... I have somewhat vague, half formed thoughts flitting about, ranting, raging around in me...
The biggest thing I have an issue with, I think, is that I don't know what to do to make things better... To make things right.
In a place where care of people is supposed to be paramount, seeing all this bullshit, all the bad decisions being made due to "the budget" is maddening.
Charge nurses shorting their units to save money. Managers doing the same thing. Managers who are so out of touch with what's going on in their unit. People who just don't give a flying fuck.
There is no sense of community, no sense of compassion. We have no morale, so to speak of.
And I'm just so frustrated. And I feel so powerless. And I don't know how to fix things, even the things that I personally am capable of fixing. And that, THAT, is what makes me so angry.
I don't feel like I'm finished here... But I'm at a loss for what to say...